Creepy third-person
bios are almost always a contrived autobiography written by some starry-eyed dreamer in the hope that one day he will make
it big and other people will write about him in the same amazed tone.
Mine used to have stars
in its eyes too, but by now it's the Frankenbio you see below...
---
Matt Preskenis doesn't
care if you like him.
That's a lie - but
still, screw you people.
Matt was a happy little
dorky middle child growing up, but for some reason, he spent a lot of time trying to make everyone happy.
You know what?
It wasn't worth it.
Ungrateful motherfuckers.
His shithole hometown
and self-hating youth (setting the stage for adolescence and early adulthood...)?
That was just the
start.
Getting picked last
for kickball was nothing compared with having his heart broken twice a year for two years, getting fired seven times from
the same job, or having his soul sucked out and waking up the next day with five credit card receipts from a strip club.
That wasn't worth it
either.
(Even if they did give
him "lifetime VIP" status and a fancy gold card.)
What's it like being
Matt?
If Rasputin and Evel
Knievel could have had an unholy lovechild, the smart money says that beast would have been a lot like Matt. Only Matt
knows well enough to stay away from motorcycles.
It's the only bit of
self-control he's ever exercised.
What's crazy is that,
for some reason, Matt plods on.
Hell, his relatives
back in Lithuania had to eat their horses and pull the plow themselves. Getting slapped by some drunk chick at a Burger
King, cracked in the face by a cop, and tossed in a Montreal gutter is nothing by comparison.
Matt's not sure why
anyone visits this site anymore, but he's not going to complain if you stick around a while and chuckle once or twice.
Because you may not like him...
But you've got to love
him.
